I am the worst news you could ever receive. I am struggling to escape from the clouds that imprison me.

Teman Pengganti

Aku kan pergi,
Pergiku tak akan kembali

Tried so hard not to lose myself when fellow classmates played this song as they were presenting about this song for our assessment today. This is one of few good Malay songs that I have taken a like but I rarely listen to it because Mom hates it. 

Mom hates the fact that this song reminds her of dad going away from us forever.
Mom hates the fact that this song reminds her of her being alone, after too many years being together with dad.
Mom hates the fact that this song reminds her that no one could never replace dad, ever.

I ended up having runny red nose and I really hope that no one saw me though I had to sniff few times as I could not bear it at certain points of the song. I decide that past few weeks had been a hellhole for me and I am struggling to keep peace with my time though I am still drowning. These weeks have been the worst as I let everything to crumple me up, beat me down, push me hard to the wall. This song had actually make me ransacking everything dad had told me, and now I feel like a filth because I know that I am not turning into something that he and mom would never be proud of. I really need my dad in my life because I love to listen to him and I would end up doing anything he ask me to and I hate it when I need him to be by my side, he could not be there. Having the fact that no one could ever replace him really bothers me because I need someone to hold to. It is just I am that weak. Very.